Facebook Monsters – the Disclaimer Facebook SHOULD Have

Welcome to Facebook, a true look into society and the ways in which people co-habitate on Social Media. Here you will find a smorgasbord of:

Self-Righteous Hypocrites always chastising the actions of others, fighting for “equal rights” that are truly as “equal” as a pound of sugar and a feather, while hiding their own skeletons in shallow graves;

Sympathy Suckers who would complain about their lives and how the latest love of their life cheated on them, their family ditched them, their friends betrayed them, they have no money, and they are all alone in this cold, hard world rather than actually take the time to get off their asses and DO something to make their lives better;

Trolls out to start trouble, boost post popularity, and offer an “excuse” for people to show their most hateful and ignorant sides;

Children who think they are “grown” whilst failing every class, sexting, partying, and having babies their parents will have to raise;

Boasting Parents who post a picture and long explanation every time their child prodigy shits, burps, or does something they believe could make them famous;

Product Pushers flooding every post with spam, and filling their friends’ feeds with the best wraps, mascara, fitness drinks, etc. IN THE WORLD;

Politically Correct Police, constantly scanning their feeds for “politically incorrect” posts and comments so they can throw their two cents in and end with the “if you don’t like it, unfriend me” phrase we’ve all come to know and love;

Dick Pic Kings – you know who I’m talking about – the guy that saw your comment on a mutually liked page, likes it, and then proceeds to PM you something like “hey, girl” right before he shoots off a myriad of penis pictures taken in multiple poses and, if you’re “lucky,” a comparison picture whereby he holds a banana, soda, beer, or other random item next to his penis so the very lucky recipient can really grasp the size of his penis;

Thirsty Ass Creeps who, whether in a relationship, married, or desperate, click like on every selfie of every half-way attractive person of the opposite sex, leave complimentary comments, and eventually, turn into yet another Dick Pic King;

Narcissistic Asswipes who only seem capable of singing their own praises, prissing themselves in pictures, and arguing their point of view to the point of complete ignorance, just to “win.”

Selfie Exhibitionists who post pictures of themselves nude, or half nude, in every group, page, and community available, demanding attention by way of Facebook likes, “little red hearts,” and comments from anyone and everyone of the opposite sex, and finally, when they have become desperate, are tired of being reported, and have a nice following of Thirsty Ass Creeps, create their own little page or group in which they can continue to post their self-taken, trashy as fuck modeling portfolio pictures;

Helping Hand Award Winners who tell the entirety of the world about how they are “helping” by taking care of kids that aren’t theirs, trying to reform a lost soul, or some other massive “good deed” that most definitely deserves a pat on the back, encouragement, and sympathy, all while leaving out the parts about how they manipulated their way into the situation to begin with and are consistently feeding the fire;

The Perfect Couple who is positively “the best couple” ever and “so very in love” and share “a love so rare, no one else can ever understand it” all while everyone who knows them in person knows there is a pot of shit hiding at the end of that rainbow.

Drama Addicts who create fake profiles, send harassing messages, and ultimately are yellow-bellied scum who have nothing better to do than hide behind social media because they’re too afraid to attach their person to their actions;
Relationship Advisors who set out to inform the world what a REAL (wo)man looks like, what your “relationship goals” should be, and fall in love with a new “bae” every time they change their underwear.

Outside of these “clubs,” you have your appetizer bar of celebrity fan clubs, bitter single parents, Atheists, Bible-thumping Christians, Terrorists, In-Your-Face Fitness Freaks, For-The-Cause Do-Gooders, Thots, Man-Hoes, Heartless Homewreckers, Bullies, and Trashy Post Contest Winners.

And then, finally, you have your dessert bar: Sweet kids trying to boost their confidence after being bullied; Adults with something intelligent to contribute to the world; hard-working men and women trying to support their families; Faithful men and women; Parents doing everything in their power to be great parents in a world that constantly tells them they’re wrong; dreamers; doers; honest people with good intentions; and creative genius.

I’ve been surveying the buffet for many years now, and I just have a few (thousand) words I’d like to say:

Dear Self-Righteous Hypocrites – Please carry on; we all want to watch you clean up the glass … and eventually, you will.

Dear Sympathy Suckers – Life is BEAUTIFUL. It is YOURS. And if you choose to do nothing but spend it complaining about all the things you’ve lost, thrown away, or can’t find – well, it will be a lonely ride in the end. Instead, try a #smile on for size. Just. Fucking. Smile.

Dear Trolls – you make me laugh … carry on.

Dear Children – You are lucky you are not my children … I’d have you bent over and paddled in a way that might frighten your grandparents, who were probably the last generation in your family to be disciplined. Someday, you might understand. Until then, stop making the rest of the world miserable.

Dear Boasting Parents – We all love our kids and we all post our posts. But little Johnny’s latest bowel movement is not on the “menu” of interesting things to read for today. And, just a reminder … not every child is a prodigy, but every child IS AMAZING

Dear Product Pushers – No. No. No. I do not want fiber lashes that will make me go blind or look like a whore. I do not want to “wrap” my fat in a ridiculous pad that will miraculously make my rolls disappear. I do not want your weight-loss shakes, energy drinks, or fitness routine.But, if I did, you can bet your ass I know where to find it. I’ve been there – I know how hard it is to sell. Send the email. Limit your posts. Create a group. Or hell, just drive all of us insane until we each block you and the only Facebook friends you have are trying to sell you something!

Dear Politically Correct Police – I don’t give a damn about what “society” says is correct these days. Society is FUCKED UP. Don’t believe me? Holyshitmonkey, log into Facebook for 5 minutes! We got “men” (Wake up – if you’re born with a PENIS, you are a MAN. Confusion of the brain does NOT change anatomy.) trying to go into women’s bathrooms and vice-versa; parents pushing their kids INTO mental illnesses for the sake of “supporting the cause,” men and women talking about “side bitches/niggas” and “main bitches/niggas” as if this is supposed to be a NORMAL part of every relationship; drug addicts crying they have a “disease” when they CHOSE to put that shit up their nose or in their veins; rapists, murderers, and child molesters getting less time in prison than a pot-smoker, and kids who have absolutely no concept of anything except putting their hands out in front of them and waiting for everyone to *give* them what they deserve. Don’t talk to me about politically correct, because your POLITICAL CORRECTNESS is what has FUCKED UP society. #TRUTH

Dear Dick-Pic Kings – Women are NOT afraid to ask for a picture of your penis, IF they actually want to see it. You do NOT have to send it to every woman you find attractive. A penis pic does not have the same effect as a wave, high five, hug, or other formal greeting. Your measuring tactics are … tacky. And you make it very obvious that you fit into other Facebook clubs as well by sending your “greeting.” (i.e. Thirsty Ass Creep, Fuck Boy, Narcissistic Asswipes, etc.) Next time, please send a message that simply states:

“I would like to send you a picture of my penis in hopes that you will stroke my ego and make me feel more like a man and less like the child I am. Please accept my offer and allow me to pose nude for you, in ridiculous fashion, so that you will suddenly be sexually excited and want to share pictures of your naked body with this Thirsty Ass Creep, even though I haven’t properly introduced myself, have no intention of any type of relationship with you, and basically, just want to show you my penis for no good reason.”

Dear Thirsty Ass Creeps – While it is true that social media gives you an easy way to jerk off, is it truly necessary to LIKE or “little red heart” every pic you come across? Or leave thirsty (see: demeaning; desperate; unwanted sexual innuendos) comments? Or follow up by liking every public picture on a person’s timeline? Or turn yourself into a Dick Pic King? Especially those of you in a relationship … go praise your girlfriend or wife. Stop stalking every photo of every attractive woman online, whether fully dressed, fully nude, or partially nude and give the REAL woman in your life the attention you are blasting all over Facebook. (you might be surprised at what doing so can do not only for your relationship, but for your sex life as well). As a side note, you CAN look without clicking your little stamp of approval. After all, if you aren’t after the attention yourself, there’s no logical reason to leave your mark for the world to see … or your girlfriend … or your wife … or, in some cases, where it’s these thirsty hoes … vice versa!

Dear Narcissitic Asswipes – No one likes you half as much as you like yourself.

Dear Selfie Exhibitionists – if it weren’t for the plethora of thirsty ass men with the urge to jack off, or those pissing off their girlfriends and wives just to put a pretty little thumbs up or red heart by your picture – you’d be irrelevant in a world of women with more to offer than tits and ass.

Dear Helping Hand Award Winners – we all love good deed doers. I, personally, LOVE to see someone doing a great thing for someone else. BUT those who truly have great intentions don’t need an award. In fact, most times, their deed is done silently. But to do a good deed, just to seek a helping hand yourself … to earn your “great person” trophy? Don’t do a good deed and whine about it!

Dear Drama Addict – Grow a vagina (or some balls) in REAL life.

Dear Relationship Advisor – Do you even KNOW what a “REAL” relationship looks like? If you are using terms like *side* vs. *main* and consistently setting out the way “REAL” men and women act, something tells me you have no actual knowledge of such. See, real relationships, they aren’t always full of butterflies and rainbows. REAL men and women, they make mistakes. But each and every person’s ideal is different. To me, a “real” man is faithful, honest, and hard-working. His woman is his ONLY woman. He strives to take care of his family FIRST. To protect what is his. He doesn’t need anyone to tell him how to be a real man – he IS one. And real relationships don’t involve unicorns or prince charming – it’s simply two people who believe in each other, who make the decision to love hard every day, who push each other to be their best and who refuse to give up or let anyone come between them. They feed each other’s hearts and souls, not just their bodies (though there is definitely that). And love? Don’t get me started. But until you have a relationship without flaws – until you’ve been faithful – until you have loved for real – don’t try to confuse the ideas of vulnerable people and discombobulate the reality of relationships.

Dear Perfect Couple – You’re so cute! It’s adorable to see your pictures and your sweet little tags and posts to each other. It really is. 🙂 But not so much when we (from the real world) know that one of you is cheating on the other or that you fight every night. No relationship is perfect. We all accept it. We know it. But don’t set standards (see: relationship goals) for others to meet, when you sure as shit aren’t meeting them yourselves. And just for the record, your love story is no more important than anyone else’s – it’s all relative! 😉

And there you have it. The worst of Facebook summed up in less than 3,000 words. Welcome to social media. Consider this your tutorial on “what not to do.” But then, if everyone stopped, I’d have nothing to be a smart ass about! But really, the moral of the story is this:

Facebook is a fantastic resource and time-waster. We all have our reasons for joining and staying active. For some of us, we have legit reasons. But beware of the Facebook Monsters. They exist. And they can turn a REAL person into someone they are not. On Facebook, we can all be exactly who we want to be. We can filter our photos so we look good. We can talk shit. We can even pretend to be a completely different person (identity and all). But life doesn’t revolve around Facebook. And REAL life is waiting out there … sucking a bottle of Vodka wondering where everyone went. And while Facebook is fun and I do so love my Facebook friends – I cannot deny that Facebook often makes me feel quite homicidal when there’s not a violent bone in my body.

So tell me – what Facebook Monsters did I forget? (Besides the obvious crazy writer who enjoys being a complete sarcastic bitch from time to time??)


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