Growing Me …

I am 38-years-old. It has taken me most of my life to begin figuring out who I am. I am not there yet – there are still gray areas [oh, how I hate gray areas] and perhaps I am still growing into the Me I am meant to be. But I am starting to love the woman who stares at me through green eyes when I look into the mirror. She is me. I am her. And I am …

I am not entirely an introvert. I enjoy the company of like-minded individuals. I like to be rowdy and obnoxious and a little crazy from time to time and with the right crowd. I enjoy public speaking. I love a good, honest, and friendly debate. I love to talk. About life, experiences, hopes, dreams, theories. I need that type of connection. I thrive on communication of all types.

I am an analyst. I analyze people. I analyze situations. I analyze problems. I am a problem-solver. I am intuitive and logical with a large slice of of dreamer built in. I am creative with a wild imagination and the ability to tell an emotionally compelling story through my pen.

I am simple. I enjoy simple things like the smell of rain, thunder, a cuppa tea, a scary movie, a candle-lit bubble bath, wine, clean sheets. I have no need or desire for expensive clothing or jewelry or other trinkets. I prefer notebooks and pens; dream-catchers and books; ice cream and earl grey; dainty stones and silver.

I am opinionated and full of unpopular and politically incorrect ones. I’m okay with that – I may not be “right” in the eyes of many, but I will stand for what I believe.

I am protective of those I care about. I will often protect those I love even before I will protect myself. I cannot stand to see them hurting – taken advantage of – or otherwise being mistreated. I will burn a bridge quickly to stand up for those most important to me.

I am smart [or at least, that is what I am told]. I learn quickly and love to learn new things. I crave knowledge as much as I crave ice cream [and that’s a lot!].

But with all that comes the “downside”

I am lazy. If it isn’t something I “want” to do – I struggle to find the motivation to do it. For example: I hate doing laundry – I mean, putting the clothes in the washer, in the dryer – that’s easy – but folding? Well, that could take a full 2 weeks – and even then, putting it away is a whole other story. I’m a “drop it where you stop” kind of person. I live in a world of organized chaos. I’ve made it a goal to become a neater and more organized person. It is honestly hard for me – but it’s one of those things that I realize I must do for the benefit of those around me.

I am stubborn to a fault. Once I set my mind, it’s hard to change it. Not that it can’t be done – only that it can’t be done without logic and rationale. I make up my mind using facts combined with emotion/experience. To change it, there must be something equally convincing. Some say I am closed-minded. I can see where that comes from. But honestly, I am very open-minded – I just need more than another person’s commands to lead my thinking.

I am emotionally driven. Whether by joy or anger or sadness – my emotions often lead me down roads I wouldn’t otherwise explore. While sometimes this is good – often times this leads to being taken advantage of in my state of emotional vulnerability. And yes, that was a hard one to admit, but there it is.

I am analytical. [Yes, this is repetitive; funny how a positive can also be a negative – but it is.] I over-analyze things on a regular basis. Open ends do not sit well with me. Unanswered questions are torture. And leaving me with such is bound to destroy me mentally and emotionally. I need things in black and white – if there is gray, it is likely to send me into an unhealthy and obsessive tailspin.

I am easily triggered. Yep, I said it. I am easily triggered. If you want to send an arrow straight to the deepest part of me, it’s not hard. With the traumas of my past and my insecurity [yeah … we’ll talk about that in a moment], it’s definitely not hard to find a “sensitive” subject.

I‘ve been known to speak my mind too often and with too few filters. I suppose it could be said that this isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but for me, it is – I’ve lost relationships due to this. Why? I guess because sometimes people only want “yesmen” in their lives. I am not a yes(wo)man. I am not a sugar factory. And if I sincerely care about you and believe you’re eff-ing up, I’m going to tell you. It comes from a place of love – but I understand it sometimes hits as though it comes from a place of judgment. I’m learning to keep my mouth shut. It’s damn hard. But I’ve learned that some people just don’t want that type of person in their lives. So yes, I bite my tongue to stay invested – protecting their side of the relationship while, admittedly, adding resentment on my own. Still, I must admit that there are times and certain people with whom I am absolutely HORRIBLE at communicating with verbally. I can write you how I feel all day long – but verbally, the words just don’t come out right. This is due to underlying issues and is one of my “triggers.” I am aware and consistently working to improve my ability to communicate in these situations.

I care too much. There. I said it. I get too invested. I love too hard. There are a myriad of problems with this and I pay a heavy price. Perhaps someday I’ll be able to balance this – but for now, I just work hard to protect myself by not letting anyone new get close enough to hurt me.

I’m a quitter. I have ideas I believe are somewhat good. [Now, thinking that could be my first mistake.] And I start things, only to give up easily when I don’t have the time or energy to continue. I also have pretty severe completion anxiety. This is why I’ve not completed my book. It’s currently two-thirds of the way written. The last third is solidly outlined in my head. But the idea of actually writing it down and finishing the book terrifies me. Let’s just say I have some goals – and this may be one of them.

I am insecure. I spent nearly ALL of my adult life being groomed to be a victim of domestic abuse and violence. I was abused. I never truly “grew up” in the way that others do/did. [But that is an explanation for another post, another day.] These years [nearly 15 to be exact] of abuse, grooming, and hearing how worthless, ugly, fat, and “fucked up” I was/am did damage to my soul and psyche that, while I am working to heal, cannot be simply “fixed” with a band-aid. This takes time and hard work. I am invested in myself – and I am working each and every day to see myself as I am and not as I was groomed to see myself. It’s a long (and heartbreaking) road. I am a Survivor, but insecurity is a harsh reality.

I could keep going. I’ve spent so much time over the last few years trying to pinpoint who I am. I’m still learning to be comfortable with myself, both the flaws and the positives. I am still growing. I am still learning to separate the victim “me” I was in “survival mode” from the Me I truly AM. And that, my dear friends, is the point of today’s message.

During my years of entrapment and abuse, I was not “me.” I did things I am ashamed of. I hurt people. I lied. I said and did things that, had I not been living in survival mode, I most likely would not have done. I have spent years beating myself up for the person I had become. I believed the lies. I believed I was a horrible person. I believed I was crazy. I believed I was ugly and fat and worthless. I believed I was unlovable and unwanted – a mistake and a burden.

Today, I am not that woman. I have flaws. Holyshitmonkey, some of them are blaring lights – but I am not all the things I believed for so long that I was. I am worthy. Regardless of my faults. Regardless of the mistakes and bad choices I’ve made. I did not deserve to be abused. I did not deserve to be treated as less than human. I am worth loving. And right now, I am learning to love myself.

I needed to memorialize this journey. I needed to get this off my chest. I needed to admit that the person I am growing to be is still ashamed of the person I had to be. I needed to remind myself that I am worthy.

♥ I needed to remind you that you are worthy too. ♥ 

No matter who you have been in your past –

No matter what mistakes you have made –

No matter what –

You are worthy. This is YOUR life. You can become the person you were meant to be. There is no better time than now. You are worth it. You ARE worth it. YOU ARE WORTH IT! 

Until Next Time …

That One Blogger … 

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